Spoiler alert: That kind of mindset is a shortcut to loneliness, not connection.

So if marriage isn’t about one person’s selfish fulfillment, what is it really about?

You know what it’s about, but let me remind you. It’s about two imperfect people coming together to choose each other every day, showing up with humility, effort, forgiving quickly, and a willingness to grow—not for themselves alone but for the we they’ve created.

If you keep buying into the myth that marriage is about getting what you want, at some point you’ll hit a wall. That wall usually comes calling when the glow of the honeymoon phase fades, and life’s responsibilities—work stress, kids, bills—all pile on.

That’s when you need a reality check: What part of the heart are you really chasing?

Are you after validation, control, convenience, or genuine connection? Identifying that is where the root of your troubles begins. Please note: if you are chasing the right part, then be willing to grow deeper in your marriage.

In marriage, you must learn to course-correct to go deeper.

The K.I.S.S. ~ Learn to course-correct to go deeper!

So, how do you course-correct before you lose your way? Here are three non-negotiable moves every spouse must make to avoid chasing the wrong part of your spouse’s heart.

CAUTION: This is for people who are of sound mind, where abuse does not exist. 

1. Quit Treating Your Spouse Like a Servant

Being married doesn’t mean you get a personal assistant for life’s hard parts. If your love language sounds like “You owe me,” chances are you’re fueling resentment, not intimacy. Shift your focus from what you want to what you can give. Serve first, love second. It’s not poetic fluff—it’s the foundation of lasting respect, respect that is earned.

2. Make Vulnerability Your Strength, Not Weakness

Stop hiding behind silence or defensiveness. Real connection demands you risk showing your cracks, your flaws. When you lead with openness instead of blame or withdrawal, you invite your spouse into your true, whole heart. That invitation alone can thaw the coldest distance.

3. Remember: It’s “We,” Not “Me”

Married life is a joint venture with shared wins and losses. That means your happiness isn’t about extracting value from your partner—it’s about building something neither of you could achieve alone. This mindset shift rewires how you communicate, argue, and celebrate every victory, both big and small. Life is an adventure, so share it together!

But there is still a lingering question: Where’s the hope in your marriage?

In marriage, hope lives in the rejection of entitlement and the acceptance of collaboration. Hope is found in the daily choice to show up, listen deeply, and fight for each other instead of against each other. You are on the same team! It’s not glamorous; it’s gritty and often tedious—but it’s real, and it’s powerful.

If you’re feeling lost or stuck, don’t panic. Marriage is messy; growth is painful. But chasing the right part of the heart—the part that wants partnership, not possession—means your story isn’t over yet. It’s just getting real.

“Be present. Be incredible. Be YOU!!!“